Repentance and Grace

Lately I've had to beg God's grace and forgiveness like I've never had to before. Life has broken me and my weakness has been IN MY FACE. You know like when people are all up in your grill about something or other? LIFE is all up in my grill about my weaknesses and there is no running from the reality that I need GRACE and forgiveness like no other. Sometimes we get to points in our life where our sin is so raw and deep that the only thing we can see of worth in ourselves is the image of God that he graciously incorporated into us upon conception and the worth he sees in us, and if it weren't for the knowledge of our worth in his eyes it would be hard to keep living.

Yeah, this is a downer post. It's not an exciting "Oh my gosh I'm going to Bangladesh" post. It's a - wow, I am very human, I am very broken, and I am in need a savior and messiah like no other.

If any good ever comes from my life it will because God was beautiful enough to continue using me despite and through my incredible weakness and sin. I don't understand God's view of redemption but I embrace it and I NEED it for him to work through me. What I mean by that, is that God takes badness, dirtiness, unworthiness, and filth and uses it for his purposes so that good can come not only despite the sin, but THROUGH the sin. I'm not justifying sin. I'm glorifying God's ability to REDEEM us. To reconcile our sin with his purpose and

m a k e

s o m e t h i n g

b e a u t i f u l.

Sin is sin, but God is sovereign EVEN OVER OUR BAD CHOICES.

He does not abandon his children when they fall.

He provided a way on the cross so that when his children fall, there is still peace through his blood.

He is still jealous for our love and for us to come running back to him after our sin.

I know this through reading David's story. David's sin was a little "more severe" than my recent sin. God convicts, redeems, and forgives and truly desires us to come back to him.

I'm going through that process now.

I am blown away by his forgiveness.

It does take all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me. Especially when our pride was the basis of our good works before, after we fail and fall, to not ignore God and give up completely but leave our pride broken at the door and realize that mercy is all that will get me through now, is the only way to go.

There is a reason for everything and God can redeem everyone and every situation, even though it will be a painful process my heart is ready for the new growth God will do in me and through my tripping up.

I'm not sure repentance is regret are the same thing. Regret is wishing we hadn't acted a certain way. Repentance is wishing our hearts had not been in the condition to have let that act happen. I don't need regret right now, but I do need repentance. We all need repentance. A repentance that goes back not to right before we sinned, but to before our hearts were in the place to let that sin happen. Sin is not an act, but it's a lack of loving God, I truly believe. The acts that God prohibits in the Bible are not in themselves wrong, they are wrong because they reflect a heart that does not love God. So repentance, I think, needs to be focused on setting our hearts back on God and loving him stronger.

I realize I'm a bit raw in this blog. Not just in this post, but in my whole blog. I'm a verbal processor and I'm also a pretty honest person, so what you read it what you get with me. I'm not afraid of you judging me. Because sorry to offend you, but you're as sick as I am. And thank God, because Jesus came to heal the sick. Not the healthy.

I'm honest and raw in this blog because I have seen in the past that people are often encouraged and refreshed and can identify with honesty. I am covered by blood whose purity can not be denied, so as I struggle and engage in a world that is not my home and strive for the ministry of reconciliation, I will fall and fail but my confidence is not in whatever clean life I am able to live.

I get back up because I KNOW whose blood I claim.

My being able to say that is the essence of the grace of God.

If you only knew what I was gonna be, After the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me

I want it all back

You may have thought, you won that last round
You may have laughed (cuz) I almost fell down
Maybe you think I give up easy
But its not ovah, I got more in me

You thought I stopped, you thought I sat down
But I am standin', you made me mad now!
You got some things, I think you owe me
I've come to get back everything that you stole

I want it all back

You hit me hard, I should be knocked out
Things I've been through, don't even wanna talk about
You crossed the line (this time) you violated me
I want revenge (I want everything back from) A to Z
The battle's not mine, the battle is the Lords
In the name of JESUS, I'm takin it by force

I want it all back

If you only knew what I was gonna be
After the storm you wouldn't have even bothered me


(And now I'm) stronger
(And I got more) power
(I'm a little bit) wiser
(And I got more) strength
(I got thee) anointing
(Got Gods) favor
(And we're still) standing
I want it all back

Give me my stuff back, give me my stuff, give me my stuff back
I want it all
I want that,
What about your family and all your self-esteem, even your destiny?
What about the joy you tasted and the time you wasted, do you want it back?
What about your place in God and all your faith in God, even the ways of God?
What about your hopes and dreams and your communities, even your kids and teens?
I want that want that want that want that
I want it all back

Tye Tibbett

One Month

One month till I leave for Pennsylvania.

One month 20 days till I leave for Bangladesh.

I scared myself a little today with these numbers and I just had to sit back and breath.

I've been caught up with sending the Bangladesh postcards, working, taking care of the house while my family is gone, painting, finishing my website, being the body to my church, investing in relationships here.... It's a double edged sword, this living in the present and being where you are when you are there. I've really tried not to detach myself from people here even knowing I am leaving soon, but it makes it hard to think about going not because I don't want to go, but because my mind is so much on the present that I have little time to put down the thoughts of today and really delve into planing for a year in a very, very different country.

I need to do that though, starting with today. I'll be sorting out my different documents and making a packing list and hopefully watching Slumdog Millionaire or City of Joy.

Sometimes I just google image Bangladesh and look at pictures. It's hard for me to picture myself there. But then when I do picture myself there, it's feels very right. Like it's where I am supposed to be.

How do I prepare for such fast and deep immersion into a culture I know nothing about?

All I can think of is read as much about it as I can, and PRAY like CRAZY for God's grace to be strong in the transition.

Mourning

Tonight I identified a deep sadness I've been feeling now for about 3 weeks.

I think I am mourning the loss of the things I will leave behind in August.

I'm mourning the relationships that wont grow as consistently, I'm mourning the loss of independence (I'm selling my car next month...), of security. I'm mourning the loss of what I know as life now, I'm mourning leaving my job and my sweet bosses. I'm mourning Christmas and not spending my birthday and favorite season with the ones I love.

I think it's ok, to mourn the loss of these things. Because maybe I have misplaced affection, but I am still going. I acknowledge that I value a little too highly some comforts I have been afforded here in the US of A, but I also acknowledge my honest feeling of loss and I face the fact that I am honestly scared and the thought of all I will leave behind frightens me. But I'm still going to leave it behind. Like, fear is not a problem until it keeps you from doing what's right.

I think that I am far enough away from August 20th to feel too excited about going, but I'm close enough that I start seeing my day-to-day change and start experiencing some "lasts".

I'm going to miss the people the most. Please keep in touch, guys.

And also, honestly, my car. Mobility, independence...

I feel like I should end this post mentioning all the good things I'll experience there and how it will make this leaving stuff all worth it, but no. I can't honestly say I can focus on those things right now, so I'm just going to leave it like this.

You have highs and lows and sometimes we need to make our home in the lows for a while until we mourn enough to lead us back to the highs characterized by hope and expectation.

Getting Ready

It's hard getting ready.

There are still almost 3 months to go but I'm feeling lost as far as preparation goes.

And I'm getting frustrated at knowing I will be ripping up my Arizona roots just as fast as they're growing.

I'm not really from Arizona, but I've been here pretty consistently for a year now and I'm just now meeting people I really connect with and who I can have a really good time with. And then I'm up and outta here just like that.

It's the double edged sword of travel, I guess.

New places means left places.

I'm sure I'll settle down soon enough.

Until then I need to not let my spirit get down because of the people I'll leave. And, continue to live in the present and invest in people and relationships even if it is for a short time.

Right now, support cards are on my to do list. And so I'm off to do that.

Listening to The National. They're fitting my mood right now.

Redemption

My weaknesses are at the forefront of my mind these days, as I struggle with certain dyslexic tendencies coming back and my eyes giving me trouble and my complaining about not having been gifted with one thing or another that I see as greater gifts than the ones God gave me.

I think that our view of heaven is not really what it's going to be like. Not that we wont enjoy it, but what will change is not reality so much as our perspective of it.

Is down-syndrome really a disease of the person who is down-syndrome, or is the disease our perspective of it?

Is dyslexia or the inability to memorize numbers a weakness or is our perspective that knowing how to read perfectly and knowing a bunch of numbers is super important the weakness?

Is bringing heaven to earth taking away the "bad" of the earth, all the poverty and every uneducated person and replacing it with socially acceptable things, or is it being poor with the poor and not caring about having things anyways, and knowing that while education is cool, what do we really need to know but Jesus?

Really? Sometimes I think that when heaven happens God will be doing more healing and redeeming of our minds than healing and redeeming the earth.

Job, yay!

I've been blessed to get a job for the summer as an Administrative Assistant at a real estate agency in Scottsdale. I'm into my second week and I like it a lot so far. Steep learning curve for sure, but I'm enjoying the challenge.

But now the workday is over and my room is a mess, my paint pallet has been clean for too long, my running shoes are calling, and I'm struggling against the fatigue that comes from a 9-5 schedule. Actually I'm not fighting against it at all, I'm lazily sprawled out on my bed, surfing the internet, reading news, and trying to find any reason to not move my bottom.

It's the 9-5 syndrome that keeps people's lives dull and TVs on from 6-9.

I don't know how to fight it really, or how to have a balanced life that allows relaxing activities but that aren't mindless. But when your mind is zooming for 8 hours, you really don't want to use it anymore for the rest of the day. No good man.

That's why I'm going to allow myself an hour of either sleep or mindless blabla after work, but after that it's a run, a clean up, and painting. Those things or healthy socialization. So I'll use that mindless hour well and be as super mindless as I can, googling absolutely random things or just staring out the window glazily, enjoying no-brain time, and then it's move it.

Because what's worse then going to bed knowing you did nothing productive beside what happened at work that day, and then when you wake up it's back to the desk?

We have more strength than we think. It's our minds that suck us into unproductivity.

Fight those bum thoughts, Jul!

:) My, I feel motivated already.