It's quite a load and I begin to see things as "What will this look like on my resume?" instead of "What does this add to my life?".
Resumes don't have anyone's name on it but your own. It doesn't reflect your quality of life. It reflects your academic and work achievements and attempts to give a possible future employer an idea about your ability to successfully fullfil job requirements. No one puts on their resume that they have a healthy body, a healthy mind, a good community of friends and peers who hold them accountable to be the best version of themselves.. A resume doesn't mention the quality of your relationship with your family or your outlook on life- if you are able to appreciate the small things and understand the meaning of living a full life. It doesn't mention if you are at peace with the Creator of the universe and have the right perspective about making a broken world less broken with the creativity and uniqueness you were made with.
I know these things are so much more important than what is written on a resume, but sometimes I get caught up in the rat race of the world and the bad economy and lack of jobs and the prospect of being out there in the job market again in about 7 months just gives me a headache and a heartache and I wonder if I have what it takes to make it. And then that brings me to think.... What does it mean to "make it"? What is dying well? One thing that still strikes me when I think about it, is that we are all going to die one day. From famous TV actors, to presidents, to multi millionaires.. Their fate and my fate is no different than absolutely anyone elses in this world. We all have one finite life to be lived, and none of us can get away from the question "What does it mean to make it?" What am I living about?
Sometimes I feel panicky when I think that maybe I will die not being known very well in any area of work.... In development or politics or writing or theology... That I will not have made a mark in any of these and that 2 generations after my death maybe a handful of people will know my name. I dont know though.. Because then I think- better to be known while I am alive, then work all my life and neglect relationships so I can be known after I die. Not that I think that anyone who has ever made a mark in the work world has neglected their relationships. I'm just saying that if the stress of making my resume better is putting stress on my relationships, it's not worth it. Let it go. Be where you are and do what you need to do to take care of your mind, soul, spirit and relationships where you are, and think about your resume later.
The world is not meant to be carried on a single pair of shoulders and I think when it does it's really a shame and ignores that fact that I'm part of a bigger humanity. We're not in this alone, and no one steals the show, because no one lives forever. Death means that our role in this world ends, and hopefully we will have done something to bring peace and redemption to the broken areas in us, around us, and between us.
I can deal with that. Since I have the bigger picture about life after death, there's nothing in that last paragraph that I can't live with. I have a hope in humanity (because I have a hope in the One who became human and by redeeming us, showed us how to live and how to work to redeem the world around us) and I have hope in the role of an afterlife that is just as lively and legit as life on earth.
So now that the world is off my shoulders, I see it was never meant to be there anyways. I will have an "Ugh life is too big for me, this burden is too heavy!" moment again in a few months but hopefully truth will hit me over the head again and I will be able to refocus before going insane.
That said, I need to get out of my head and out of the open Word document entitled "Resume 2010" and engage these people around me, starting with creating a power point for the Writers Forum at the university tomorrow and then visiting the work girls at the store next door. And write some emails to some people I miss a lot back at home. :) And make some tear-out snow flakes for my room. I love Christmas time and I don't care if it's 110 degrees outside, it's going to look like Christmas in here.!!