Mourning

Tonight I identified a deep sadness I've been feeling now for about 3 weeks.

I think I am mourning the loss of the things I will leave behind in August.

I'm mourning the relationships that wont grow as consistently, I'm mourning the loss of independence (I'm selling my car next month...), of security. I'm mourning the loss of what I know as life now, I'm mourning leaving my job and my sweet bosses. I'm mourning Christmas and not spending my birthday and favorite season with the ones I love.

I think it's ok, to mourn the loss of these things. Because maybe I have misplaced affection, but I am still going. I acknowledge that I value a little too highly some comforts I have been afforded here in the US of A, but I also acknowledge my honest feeling of loss and I face the fact that I am honestly scared and the thought of all I will leave behind frightens me. But I'm still going to leave it behind. Like, fear is not a problem until it keeps you from doing what's right.

I think that I am far enough away from August 20th to feel too excited about going, but I'm close enough that I start seeing my day-to-day change and start experiencing some "lasts".

I'm going to miss the people the most. Please keep in touch, guys.

And also, honestly, my car. Mobility, independence...

I feel like I should end this post mentioning all the good things I'll experience there and how it will make this leaving stuff all worth it, but no. I can't honestly say I can focus on those things right now, so I'm just going to leave it like this.

You have highs and lows and sometimes we need to make our home in the lows for a while until we mourn enough to lead us back to the highs characterized by hope and expectation.

Getting Ready

It's hard getting ready.

There are still almost 3 months to go but I'm feeling lost as far as preparation goes.

And I'm getting frustrated at knowing I will be ripping up my Arizona roots just as fast as they're growing.

I'm not really from Arizona, but I've been here pretty consistently for a year now and I'm just now meeting people I really connect with and who I can have a really good time with. And then I'm up and outta here just like that.

It's the double edged sword of travel, I guess.

New places means left places.

I'm sure I'll settle down soon enough.

Until then I need to not let my spirit get down because of the people I'll leave. And, continue to live in the present and invest in people and relationships even if it is for a short time.

Right now, support cards are on my to do list. And so I'm off to do that.

Listening to The National. They're fitting my mood right now.