A Different Kind of Social. Part II.

In my last post I expressed frustration and confusion over how socialization is done in Indonesia. After I wrote it I kept thinking and observing and found more to add.

First, let me point out a pretty obvious error in my thinking. I put everyone together in one big group and overgeneralized hugely. Which, while I'm not trying to excuse overgeneralizing and it's negative effects, to get to any detailed thought about anything you start with generalizations that you then question and dig into deeper. This is my digging deeper.

Kudus may be a small town in the north of central Java- a huge island belonging to a country that has another 14,000 islands, but even then it has its own little diversity. OK you don't have much diversity in things like hair color and skin color and language but you have diverse little bubbles that make up the people of Kudus.

There are Christian circles, Muslim circles, University student circles, community leader circles, teacher circles... I walked into this culture and am awkwardly trying to find my identity here. I'm trying to learn about a culture without being treated like a person belonging to the culture and without a long history and therefore relationships and rhythms and familiarities that the local people have. I am an outsider. Which is fine, but it does make interpreting the culture an interesting task. It's a crazy endeavor. I come from countries that are so, so different than Indonesia. The way we perceive things is so tied to what we grew up with (I know there is psychological term for this but bare with me and my simple, quotidian vocab). How can I ever BEGIN to understand anything from this country the way the people here understand it? Simply put, I fit in no circle here in Kudus and so I'm smooshed between two (or three, if you count the Portuguese culture. I kept trying to say Portuguese words today as I was speaking English and it killed) cultures and still trying to create a daily rhythm and maintain my sanity while still being who I am but enjoying the other culture that is everywhere I look and permeates everything I do. Can you see how it would be hard not to resist it, get a little frustrated, get a little confused?

So here, from my unique bubble, it is difficult to see into other people's bubbles and understand how their rhythm of life works. Even being in a home stay situation, I see my unique family's life but it's still difficult to understand. The key word, is unique. My host dad is an assistant pastor and on fifteen thousand boards and committees. My host mom is a nurse. Their lack of what I see as a social life does not mean that my students at the university also live like that, or that because my students at the university don't seem to socialize a ton with each other out of the university doesn't mean that Joel's students and church youth don't socialize outside of academics either.

There are things I don't see. For example, every Wednesday evening  I have been gone for some reason or another, so I did not know that my host mom goes to a community women's meeting every Wednesday. I knew that once every other month a ton of ladies were at our house and that meant there was a ton of snacks laying around for the next two days, but I didn't know that was actually a weekly thing where they got together and sold things to each other and talked about the community and... socialized. I realized that this week.

Also, this being a very religious society it would make sense that much of the socialization that occurs would happen in the church setting. My church is in the village and frequented by I would say 12 adults ages 50+ and 2-3 teenage/young adults. My attempts at getting together with these 2-3 young adults have failed miserably. That said, the church in town, from a different denomination and budget, has about 35 youth and young adults and have weekly special events on top of cell groups, youth meetings, regular church services, sports events, praise and worship programs etc. The kids socialize at these events. Maybe they are not for the sole purpose of socialization but they bring people together and relationship happens there.

My university has no dormitories so most students who don't commute stay in boarding houses around the school. My host parents have a boarding house attached to our house that houses about 8 girls. Most of their nights are spent wearing PJ's and giggling in front of the TV. But they do it together. I am often woken in the morning by their laughter and yelling. They have relationships that were built while wearing those PJs in front of the TV. Every night. Seven nights a week. Because there isn't a lot of "going out", there is a lot of "staying in" and a lot of socialization happening then. Behind closed doors. So when I ask my students, "What do you guys do for fun? Where do you go out to?" And they answer that they don't go out, but they just stay at home, it doesn't automatically mean no socialization happens.

I see a ton of students hanging out at the university and while they don't seem to go many places together outside of campus, they sit around and talk inside of campus and that's where their memories are made. That's where it goes down, on that partial wall that separates the scooter parking lot and the main campus road. When I've asked them what their best memory is, some of them tell me stories of this once when they went to the beach (which is an hour away) with their senior high school friends. It confuses me because they live so close to the beach town. Why not go every weekend?

The fact that girls can't be out alone or with other girls and no boys past 6pm makes for a very different social life than I was used to. I guess everyday relationship building happens in the workplace, in the school during their breaks or in class, in once a week women meetings, in the church (I'm not sure what kind of community activities happen in the mosque), in front of the TV, sitting and doing nothing in the town square (which is actually a huge grassed roundabout in the middle of town), .... Not necessarily at coffee shops over a late, or in bars over a beer, or playing games, eating together, cooking together, staying up late out on the town, going to the cinema, shopping, bowling, going to the beach.... People here also visit family, and that takes time. They are a very family oriented society and that includes aunts, uncles, etc.

Though I may feel bored or lonely here it doesn't mean that the people here aren't social. It means that I am new and out of my element where I am known and have history and can readily seek enjoyable, intentional social interaction. If I grew up here A) I'd understand and therefore be satisfied with what this culture offers as far as socializing time and place, and, B) I'd know people and have my own family.

Perceptions, objective reality... So hard, especially when you bring the inevitable heavy baggage of your own culture.
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